Allow me to explain my conundrum. My darling wife bought me the loveliest of gifts. After explaining my jealousy towards the practicality of women’s purses, and my frustrations with it still not quite being socially acceptable for men to wear such treasure troves despite it being two-thousand-freakin-seventeen, I was gifted a fanny pack. My suspicion is that this act of generosity was in fact a trap. I was supposed to take one look in the mirror, stare in aghast at my fashion faux pas, and then never speak of such atrocities again. But I did not.

I have worn my fanny pack. Outside my home. Around people. Visibly. I stand taller and stronger, knowing I am expressing my true self while also being well-equipped for the world. At a moment’s notice, lip balm, tissues, snacks, and more can be deployed to fulfill my needs, like handy little Greeks bursting from my loins out of the Trojan Horse strapped between my hips. The world is a far less scary place with my friend around my waist.

Yet there are those who wish to deny me and you our right to don this helpful apparel. The one who bestowed it upon me, family, friends, and more have tried to denounce it as tacky, unfashionable, or archaic. Even worse, some of this negativity comes from my own mind, a product of an upbringing in a society that conditions us to execrate the fanny pack.

Our time is now, my friends. No more needless stuffing of pockets. Gone are the days of asking those with purse privilege to carry your things. This is the dawning of the age of “I’ll carry this”. I ask that my fanny pack-loving brethren let your voices be heard. Get a fanny pack like you know you have always desired. Wear it with pride. Who is with me?